*Our friends Dan and Jami are two of our closest. We have known each other since college and have shared many life milestones since. We now continue to make memories with our children. I have asked them to share how they teach and raise their daughters to be aware and accepting of people in their lives who may be “different.” They have done an amazing, noteworthy job and hold a very special place in our hearts.
As parents, we teach our children many things throughout their lives. We instill in them qualities such as integrity, honesty, and strength. Yet, as parents, we learn a lot from our children as well. We learn compassion, patience, and innocence. What’s most impressive is how they teach us what it’s like to look at the world with pure eyes. This purity is especially on display when met with what seems to be something different.
Our children Maddie (5) and Blake (3) have a few significant influences in their lives that, on the surface, appear to be different. Some are tremendous artists. Some can speak two languages. Some could swim at a young age. And some communicate in a unique way. No matter the trait, we’ve had the joy of watching our kids approach each of their companions with the same wonder and inquisitiveness.
Our dear nephew Jayden is on the autism spectrum, and we’ve had the joy of watching him achieve many breakthroughs. Whether it be his verbal skills, nutrition, or self-soothing, Jayden has evolved more in his 9 years than most do in a lifetime. And while he’s made so much progress, we’ve learned first-hand that characteristics of Jayden’s universe can change minute to minute, and almost always without any warning. Throughout it all, his parents have shown tremendous strength and resolve toward Jayden’s constant development.
In a world where we are all conditioned to find answers to almost anything in seconds, autism presents the constant unknown. As adults who’ve had their perspective shaped over time, this lack of predictability spawns all sorts of emotions. To our children, whose thoughts and emotions remain an unpainted canvas, this lack of predictability means Jayden’s just another kid. A caring, considerate, and ever-feisty kid. Having Jayden beautifully woven into Maddie and Blake’s lives has helped give them a jumpstart on learning how to coexist with others who may be different.
Dubbers and Maddie were best buddies from the day Dubbers was born (Maddie is 3 months older). While we were living in the city, we all spent many weekends together at museums, the zoo, central park, the beach, and apple picking. Having moved out of the city a few years ago, we earmark weekends throughout the year where we can get our families back together. As these weekends approach, we tell Maddie and Blake about Dubbers’ upcoming visit, and they become so excited to see him. The bond they’ve formed is so strong that Maddie is convinced Dubbers is her cousin – how cute is that?! There’s something otherworldly about the connection they share. That connection is simply magnificent, and it has given us some of our proudest parental moments.
One such moment came when Dubbers and Maddie were both 3 years old. We were having breakfast and revealed to Maddie and Blake that Dubbers was coming to spend the weekend with us. Maddie was ecstatic that her “cousin” was coming, and then she asked a question that made us pause and think.
“Will Dubbers use his talker to talk?”
For a split second, there was silence as we searched for the right thing to say. Life doesn’t give you any warning when it comes to these teaching moments. It had been about 8-9 months since we last hung out together. Maddie’s sense of the world had blossomed quite a bit since then, yet somehow, she pulled this thought from the memory bank.
In a nonchalant way, Jami responded: “Yes, Dubbers will use his talker to talk. Everyone communicates in a way that’s best for them. Sometimes the way other people communicate is different than the way you communicate, but that doesn’t mean it’s better or worse than your way. You use your mouth to communicate, and Dubbers uses his talker. But you are both able to say the same thing.” Then, as if we had just told her the sky is blue, Maddie smiled and went on about her morning. That was it. She was just thrilled that Dubbers was coming to visit and was going to be able to communicate with her. If only the world tackled differences with the same approach. When Dubbers walked in the door, he gave each of us one of his famous hugs and went in search of the train set that he loves. Maddie and Blake joined him in the playroom, and they all caught up with each other in their own way.
It’s important to us that Maddie and Blake continue to view diversity through the same unfiltered lens. We’ve found a few great resources that help us reinforce this perspective. Books such as “We’re Different, We’re the Same”, “We’re All Wonders”, and “Really, Really Like Me” do a wonderful job demystifying the preconceived notions of what it means to be different. These books served as a great baseline for our children to comprehend everyone’s differences, not just those on the autism spectrum.
During our most recent weekend together, Dubbers arrived with quite the surprise: he had been working on saying Maddie’s name. When he did, Maddie beamed like a ray of sunshine, and we were instantly filled with tears of pride for such an accomplishment! This was not just an accomplishment for Dubbers, but also for his steadfast parents, Eve and Phil. Their unwavering support of all things Dubbers is a moving thing to witness. Having been exposed to a few wondrous kids on the autism spectrum, we are privy to the fact that the physical, emotional, and mental energy required throughout the day is orders of magnitude greater than that required for parents of a typically developing child. Phil and Eve have committed to providing Dubbers with the most fulfilling life possible, and that commitment knows no limits. We’re deeply proud to call them some of our closest friends, and we greatly admire their steely approach to parenthood.
